Blazing Lazers
Every once in a great while, this game's backgrounds scroll kind of rapidly, which is the same thing as having fast-paced action!!
10/10
Bonk's Adventure
This game is just like Super Mario Bros. -- you have to rescue a princess -- but the princess has been replaced with a dinosaur, Mario has been replaced with a caveman, and the NES has been replaced with the Turbografx. Simply awesome.
9/10
Castlevania
This game is so slow and stupid, you can't even turn around when you jump, unlike Castlevania
4 the best Castlevania ever except for Dracula X the best Castlevania ever.
3/10
Super Castlevania IV
You can whip in 8 directions!
10/10
Castlevania Chronicles
When I heard the remixed-beyond-recognition version of Wicked Child, I felt the way veterans must have felt when they heard Roseanne Barr sing the national anthem.
3/10
Chrono Trigger
This is the first game that ever had time travel, so you know it has to be good.
9/10
Citizen Kane
This is a true masterpiece, filled with skillful technical innovations. Perhaps most impressive is how the movie, which shows Kane in all the stages of his life, was filmed over a period of eighty years.
10/10
Conker's Bad Fur Day
Do you think the N64 is a kiddie system? Well, it is... except for this game! Which is
why it's so great when Conker cuts that stupid N64 logo in half with a chainsaw. I stood
up and applauded when that happened.
9/10
Contra
This game is almost impossible, but don't worry: This is actually the only game that's hard
that's not also cheap.
9/10
Contra III
Zelda II and Contra III, get this right: Contra should never be overhead, and Zelda should
never be side view.
2/10
Deadly Towers
This game is very hard. It's hard to play for more than 5 seconds! Ha!
1/10
Dracula X: The Rondo of Blood
I thought this game would be so cool because it's so expensive and is for the Turbo CD and is
so rare, but then I played it and discovered you can't even whip in 8 directions!! WTF that
sucks.
1/10
Dragon Warrior
This game is ancient like Super Mario Bros., but it's an RPG so it's much better.
7/10
Duck Hunt
This game is so much fun and I wish I could shoot the dog LOL
9/10
E.T. The Extra Terrestrial
I haven't played this game, but I heard it sucks.
1/10
Final Fantasy
Dude, this game is old.
1/10
Gate of Thunder
This game is fun.
10/10
The Godfather
My suspension of disbelief went up like a puff of smoke at the end of this movie. If you're going to send a bunch of assassins on a bunch of different missions, why have the fat guy do the one that requires climbing all the stairs?
3/10
The Godfather Part II
A lot of people think this movie is a classic, but they must have blinded themselves to its obvious flaw. I used a computer to age progress some frames of the film, and it turns out that Robert DeNiro does not grow up to become Marlon Brando.
2/10
Goldeneye
People act like this game is so great, apparently not realizing that DOOM had you play as a gun shooting things way before Goldeneye. Still, this game lets you play with big heads, and that has to count for something.
9/10
The Great Gatsby
I was reading this book the other day when it occurred to me: Haven't books been made obsolete by movies? I mean, no one would dare release a game that looks like The Legend of Zelda anymore, so who the hell is gonna bother with this ink and paper bullshit?
1/10
Halo
This game is so awesome, you can actually see leaves in the trees.
10/10
Hamlet
400 years ago, this was what was considered good. We have raised our standards a lot since then, and we now know to laugh at its primitive visuals (many productions taking place on a bare stage, requiring the audience to use its imagination!) and sound. And compared to today's Xenosagas, Hamlet is not a very challenging story.
1/10
Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy
"But the rocks do not recall. Even the rocks do not recall." No shit they don't recall, they're fucking rocks!
1/10
Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete
This game is anime, which makes it good. Many ignorant people don't know this, but anime is actually mature entertainment intended for adults. My mom doesn't believe this, but that's okay, at least my robotech toys understand me.
10/10
Mega Man 4
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Mega Man 5
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Mega Man 6
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Mega Man 7
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Mega Man 8
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Mega Man X
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Mega Man X2
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Mega Man X3
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Mega Man X4
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Mega Man X5
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Mega Man X6
This game might not be original, but so what? Originality isn't important, fun is, and this game is fun.
9/10
Metal Gear Solid
This game invented the Tactical Espionage Action genre and is the best game for the Playstation.
10/10
Metroid
This game has no story. Unless you count 'Space man vs. Jellyfish'. Which I don't.
1/10
Super Metroid
If you think running down a empty hall and rolling as a ball is fun, then this is the game for you.
3/10
Night Trap
This game was so great because it had easy-on-the-eyes Dano Plato in a night gown, it's so sad she's dead. :( Good thing I'm a necrophelliac LOL
9/10
Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Link was naked from the waste down and wore high leather boots in Zelda 2. He only
strengthens his stance as the most overtly homosexual hero ever in this game, where he now
sports ear rings and a highpitched girlish yelp. Clearly the Game of the Century.
10/10
Pokemon Blue
Mew is my favorite Pokemon, so Nintendo ruined this game when they made it impossible to catch Mew unless you win a contest. I couldn't believe that they could do such a thing. Nintendo is the most evil, greedy company on earth, and they hate their fans, and they don't even realize a good thing when they have it (Mew).
1/10
Pokemon Red
Actually, I just read a FAQ that says there's a trick for catching Mew after all. This game is the greatest!!
10/10
Super Punch-out!!
This game completely removes what made the original Punch-out!! so great: King Hippo. I say, if you can't punch a barely mobile fat guy in the gut, then your game probably isn't worth playing.
1/10
Puss N Boots
Puss N Boots is so much fun it's a magical adventure for all.
8/10
Resident Evil
The only thing scary about this game is the play control!
1/10
Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube)
The fourth Resident Evil is a tour de force, rebooting the franchise with a new threat (not the same zombies from the original), a new hero, and new game mechanics. All the rough edges have been polished away, leaving a game that is lean, mean, fun, and terrifying.
10/10
Resident Evil 4 (Playstation 2)
Yawn. When Resident Evil 4 debuted on the Gamecube, it was amazing. But that was several months ago, and it would be a shocking surprise if a game that horribly old and outdated was still any fun. Of course, it isn't.
1/10
River City Ransom
This game is so great because it's part RPG. I personally believe that any game where you can pick up money is better than a game where you only shoot aliens.
10/10
R-Type
In this game, you play as a gigantic, slow-as-hell ship that flies down a narrow
tunnel, dodging rocks three-quarters the size of the screen. Needless to say,
it sucks.
1/10
R-Type II
This game is just like R-Type ... only worse! Too bad I can't give zeroes.
1/10
Secret of Evermore
Of all of this game's flaws, the worst is that it has no music. Thank god no game since has made that mistake again.
1/10
Shinobi
When I play this game, my ninja keeps falling into pits. That doesn't happen with real ninjas. Besides, bottomless pits are more about making money than skill.
1/10
Sim City
This game is just like playing with Legos and tonka trucks and hot wheels and a train set ... all at once!
And then its great when Bowswer destroys everything LOL
9/10
Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic is so fast, this game is so much better than Mario.
9/10
Soul Calibur
You can tell this is a Dreamcast game because it controls like a DREAM.
10/10
Street Fighter II
This game was so great on the 3D0, it just proves that really no system is better than any other.
10/10
Super Mario Bros.
This game is known for only one thing: Saving the industry after Atari. But
no one actually likes it anymore.
5/10
Super Mario Bros. 3
Some people think this game is great, but they're just a bunch of sheep who only like things that are popular. Truly open minded people know that the only good games are those that were only released in Japan. So, ditch this piece of garbage and play a real game, like Maku Mari Mori Super Girl Explosion Diahajin.
1/10
Super Mario Land
This game is short and has bad play control and has no challenge and Mario is virtually invisible and the music is annoying and the level design is simplistic, but who cares, it's fun!
10/10
Sword of Sodan
A lot of people are hard on this game because it "sucks." Well, why don't you try to make a game! See, it's not so easy! So keep your complaints to yourself!
10/10
Unforgiven
I'm sorry, but it's impossible to pee straight down your pants and have it come out right next to your shoe, completely missing your legs.
1/10
Vagrant Story
This game is simply unplayable.
1/10
Zelda: Wind Waker
Boy, gamers sure felt stupid when they formed opinions on this game based on Link's hideous bug-eyed look in previews. When we finally played the real game, we were pleasantly shocked to see Link still had the hideous bug-eyed look! And how could we have predicted the boring sailing, or complete lack of challenge? It's just like playing a CARTOON!
10/10
Yoshi's Island
Baby Mario is annoying.
1/10
Yoshi's Story
Some people say this game is too easy. Pfft! You can make a game as hard as you want! Next time you play, try proving the Riemann Hypothesis at the same time! See, not so easy anymore!
10/10
Ys Book I and II
This game could been great, but for some reason the hero doesn't have a sword??
5/10
Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
Zelda games should have an overhead perspective. This game has a side view perspective.
Zelda 2 might as well have "complete waste of plastic and silicon" stamped on it
in big red letters.
1/10